Questions about Cheating, Marriage and the Other Woman

Hello all:

I've been on a bit of a hiatus due to my full-time school and work schedule, but there are some reader questions that have been particularly haunting me. Here they are with my responses. (Please feel free to add your own advice, commentary, etc.)

From: The Other Woman

Anonymous said...

I have been married for 24 years now with two children ages 23 and 14...my husband left me but i know in my heart he was cheating all the signs were there, he no longer desired me and he was always abusive to me which really escalated before he left, he denies there is another woman, but he became very upset the day i found the number in the cellphone and called it and deleted the number he asked for his number back and left the following day, he has not taken all of his things yet he does not want the neighbors to know he has moved out, but yet he is not there anymore..(strange) i am going along with it for now, but there is no relationship between he and I anymore and he wants to be able to come in and stay from time to time when he feels like it..so basically he is holding me back while he waits to see if this thing between he and the new woman will work out because i think she is married as well..never the less, i feel i have been reborn..God has given me peace after days of crying and depression i was devastated and i can not say i did not do some things that he did not appreciate, after years of abuse i turned to prescription drugs and i became addicted..i begged and pleaded him to help me but he would not he saw that as his way out. but let me add this is not the first affair we have dealt with he has cheated on me two times prior to this that i know for sure..so God is so Good, because after finding this blog, i feel totally free, i do not wish any bad luck on him i wish the best but i know the relationship is not going to work because this is one of the oldest tricks of the enemy, grass always seem greener, so Ladies plz respond and provide me encouragement this is still young for me and i am praying my way thru

12:21 PM

Anonymous:

I feel your pain. I know what it's like to love someone and try to honor that relationship with what you've learned about God and how best to be a Christian. However, your husband has made the decision easier for you - he left you. Your role is to pray, seek the comfort of God and ask how you are to handle the situation. The goal is for you to have peace. The optimal marriage state is for two people to be working together, trying to make things work, communicating, spending time, raising any children and incorporating Godly principles into their marriage. If your marriage does not have those qualities, it is not where it should be. I cannot say for sure whether or not you two should be together, but I know for absolute sure that God is going to work this out in your best interests. I can promise you that. I also promise you this: if you seek Him and obediently do His will, He will honor and bless you in ways beyond compare. I will be praying for you. Please let me know how this turns out.

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From: How Not to Cheat

Anonymous said...

i need some help... PLEASE ANYONE!!! I just found out that my girlfriend of 4 years is cheating. She did it before and I forgave her and then she did it again and i forgave her again..and again. This time its more serious cause i found out that she was close to sexual with him and its the same guy that she cheated with the first time. I am a Christian and so is she and we are active in our Church.. can someone please give me some Christian advice please.. its like im dying here...

10:43 PM

Anonymous:

As a prior single woman for a number of years, I became intimately familiar with all the games, ups and downs and challenges facing Christian singles. Here is what I see: your girlfriend still has feelings for the gentleman which whom she had sex. You are right to forgive her, but you are not obligated to stay with her. True repentance (on her part) would have been to walk away from him and leave him alone. She is telling you - with her actions - that she is not capable of doing that. You are meant for better. Behavior does not magically change when you are married. Behavior changes through a close relationship with God, fasting and prayer, repentance and a true desire for change. I don't believe your girlfriend has a true heart for repentance.

My advice is for you to leave her and spend some close, one-on-one time with God. Allow Him to minister to you, allow your friends to comfort you, pray daily and fast and, if at the end of that you feel like God is leading you back to her, then so be it. If not, then it is time for you to move on. I will be praying for you. God bless and please let me know how this turns out.

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From: How Not to Cheat

i have been cheating on my boyfriend for a few months now im a christian hes a chritstian and i dont know how to tell him and weather i should i love him and want to stay with him. What do i do?

7:58 AM

Anonymous:

Why are you with your boyffriend? You say you don't know if you love him. What, then, is the point? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I simply don't understand why you'd stay with someone of whom you are not even sure how you feel. You sound like an intelligent, likeable person. I would not want you to be in a situation that is not going anywhere or causing your boyfriend harm through your behavior.

My suggestion for you would be for you to spend some time alone. My best guess is that you have needs that are not being met by your boyfriend nor your lover. Honestly, there are some things only God can heal and it seems that you need Him more than any human man.

Think about what I have said. I will be praying for you. God bless you in your time of need.

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From: How Do You Know He's the One?

Jlynn said...

I'm in a relationship that I'm not happy with but my partner seems to be head over heels in love with me.

I feel like if I end it I'm doing something terribly wrong because it will hurt him, but I'm miserable staying in it. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I also feel like I'm doing wrong in Gods eyes as well if I end the relationship. Any advice.

12:35 PM

qtee1113 said...

yeah any advice for jlynn??? I am in the same boat and would looooove the imput!

5:13 PM


JLynn and qteel113:

Well, ladies, first of all, feel blessed that you have someone in your life who values you! I hear so much about women who want to make things work with guys who are disinterested that it's a nice change to hear that some of our sisters have found good men. Even if those men are not for you...

My advice to you two is simple: if you are not happy, then leave. Why do I say this? Because, if you desire sexual intimacy and children in a God-given relationship, then you need to be free to marry the man who will fulfill those dreams for you. Visualize the man you want to be there for you when you are sick, whose features you want to see in your children's faces, who you want to see in family pictures and want to grow old with. Is that man the one you're with now? No? Then you need to go.

If it helps any, remind yourself that you are doing him a great disservice by remaining with someone with whom you are not compatible. You are depriving him of meeting someone who will love and value him for who he is, as well as depriving yourself of meeting the man who is meant for you. Shoot for the stars, ladies - married or committed life with the partner of your dreams. You deserve no less!

The Other Woman

I just heard the story today of an older woman whose husband left her for 'the other woman'. Apparently, her husband had been involved in an affair with this woman for 10-15 years. To add insult to injury, after he left her, she discovered he had been moving money out of their joint accounts (and out of his retirement account) to accounts she couldn't touch - in preparation for being with his 'other woman'. This woman is now facing a lengthy court battle, as she tries to regain the money he has, in effect, stolen from her.

There are so many things wrong with this story, it's hard to know where to begin. But I'd actually like to focus on the 'other woman'. (I am in no way implying that her husband was not at fault, but I believe this woman was just as guilty.) The reason this 'other woman' interests me so much is that I'd dearly love to know what's been going on in her mind for these last 10 years or so of her life.

Okay, I'm thinking, she meets this man, they become involved and then they apparently decide they are 'in love' with each other (and, believe me, that's a whole different post). She continues to spend time with him, sleep with him and be in a relationship with this man as he goes home every night to his wife. He probably tells her that he will leave his wife for her (one day) and then she probably aids and abets this man's efforts to re-appropriate money from his and his wife's account and most of his retirement account. He (finally) leaves his wife and they then live happily ever after? I don't think so.

Why not? Because I believe, as the Bible says, that you reap what you sow (or, as the world calls it, 'karma'). Why does this woman think that she is entitled to any happiness with a man who committed adultery (with her) on his wife, stole money from his wife, and spent the last 10+ years lying and being deceptive with this same wife? And, even worse than that - she knew what was going on! She was an integral part of it all - and allowed it to happen. Year after year, month after month, dollar by dollar that was stolen.

I guess my real question is this - Why do women allow themselves to become the 'other woman'? Somebody please explain this to me.

Yes, I know that some people believe you can't help who you fall in love with, but I have a big problem with that line of thinking. You may not be able to help who you fall in love with, but you can certainly help who you think about, who you spend time with and who you sleep with. And I know all about low self-esteem, so that's not a good excuse for me, either. And I know that some women believe there is a shortage of good men, but does that justify stealing someone else's?

I may be a romantic at heart, but I am a realist by nature. And, as a realist, I can realistically say that a marriage or relationship that is founded on lying and deceit has very little chance of lasting. And why (as a woman) would you even want to be with a man who has already proven himself to be a liar? I just don't get it.

Hopefuly, someone will enlighten me, soon!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Marriage, Cheating

A Beautiful Marriage

All this talk about marriage, being single, having children and the idea behind commitment (please re-read previous entries for reference) have made me re-think what God intended for marriage. So, I read through some scriptures, and gave it some thought (and prayer) as I tried to re-focus on His intended will.

And, once again, I am reminded of the beauty of marriage as God intended it to be - a mutually satisfying, mutually loving, respectful and mutually desired state. No hint of a baby's daddy or baby's mama, sperm banks, two or three women (or men) 'on the side', fooling around or trophy wives. A whole lot of love, a whole lot of respect, and a whole lot of God is more like He intended for us.

Oh, how wonderful it would be to go back to God's original plan!

Following are some points that I gleaned from my recent study of God's word:

1. THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP COMES FIRST (AFTER GOD)
Genesis 2:23 - Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh

Notice a man leaves both mother and father to be with his wife. And also notice this is before there is any mention of children, friends or other family members. In other words, the marriage relationship comes first. The only One you should love more is God. Period.

2. DIVORCE IS THE LAST OPTION
Matthew 5:31 - ....But I say to you that whoever shall put away his wife, except for cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever shall marry her who is put away commits adultery

We divorce for so many reasons nowadays, but, most often I hear the phrase 'we grew apart'. As you can see, the Bible does not make provision for 'growing apart'. Except for adultery (and if an unbelieving husband/wife leaves his or her spouse), the Bible says you should stay married. So, again, unless you have a very good reason, if you are married, you should stay married.

3. HUSBAND AND WIVES ARE TO BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER
1 Corinthians 7:3 - Let the husband give to the wife proper kindness, and likewise the wife also to the husband.

This should be basic, but so often it is not. A lot of people consider their husbands or wives their favorite 'target', the object of their misery, the causer of all their pain. The Bible says that, instead, we should be kind to our spouses. Kindness - wouldn't it be nicer if there were a whole lot more of that going around?

4. SEX SHOULD BE A MUTUAL PLEASURE (one of my favorites:)
1. Corinthians 7:4-5 - The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. And likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife. Do not deprive one another, unless it is with consent for a time, so that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer.....

This verse is basically saying that neither the husband or wife has the 'right' to continually say no. That means no 'holding out', playing games or depriving him or her of yourself. And, if you need to pray or fast for an extended period of time, to get your spouse's consent - let him or her know what is going on. Sex was meant to be a pleasurable coming together of a husband and wife. Is it that way for you?

5. HUSBANDS SHOULD LOVE THEIR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it,

I love this verse as well. This scripture admonishes husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church - in other words, be willing to sacrifice himself for her. To nurture and care for her. To love her and to cherish her. (I could go on and on....) It even goes on to say that the husband should love the wife as much as he loves himself - and no man ever hated himself.

6. WIVES SHOULD RESPECT THEIR HUSBANDS AND SUBMIT TO THEM AS UNTO GOD
Ephesians 5:22 - Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

I'd love to be able to stop at the last scripture, but, ladies there are instructions for us as well. (And, yes, I have just as much of a problem with the word 'submit' as you do!) The best explanation I've seen of this passage is where John Gill says 'This is an instance, explaining the above general rule; which subjection lies in honour and reverence, and in obedience; they should think well of their husbands, speak becomingly to them, and respectfully of them; the wife should take care of the family, and family affairs'. In other words, that submission comes through love, not subjugation, humiliation or a master-servant relationship. But through love.

And, we are reminded that we are to submit ourselves to our husbands as unto the Lord. Now that's deep. For the Lord I will give my all. And what the Lord is saying to me is that that commitment must be the same as what I will give to my future husband. And that we (women) are to serve our husbands as if serving God. So, our husbands must love us without condition, and we must obey as if we are obeying the Lord. (Hey - don't get mad at me - I'm just interpreting!).

Let me know what you think. There are, I'm sure, numerous other scriptures in the Bible about marriage. The above scriptures simply represent my favorites. And though I struggle sometimes with the idea of a Godly marriage (especially this whole 'submission' thing), I would truly love to understand what God's original plan was for a husband and wife. All opposing views welcome!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Marriage

Do Black People Still Get Married?

In a much read and discussed article, Joy Jones posed the premise (in the Washington Post) 'Marriage Is For White People'. This article goes on to highlight the declining rate of black marriages and black families that are headed by two-parents. Ms. Jones goes on to accurately point out how black women's choices are changing in the marriage landscape. That marriage is a goal when black women are in their early 20's and 30's, but as they financially prosper and build networks to support their single lifetsyles, they more readily begin to accept the idea of being a single parent. Here is a quote from her article:

Most single black women over the age of 30 whom I know would not mind getting married, but acknowledge that the kind of man and the quality of marriage they would like to have may not be likely, and they are not desperate enough to simply accept any situation just to have a man.

I completely agree with Ms. Joy's article. I realized that my mindset had changed in the last couple of years (I'm in my early 30's) from the idea of having a husband and children to one day having children. I found myself looking at adoption statistics, contemplating sperm banks and re-thinking my plans as a single person to include parenthood.

As a black woman and as a Christian, I have to say I think we have gotten way, way off base. Sure, it's hard to date and find a 'good man' these days, but they still exist. And though we are perfectly capable of raising a child ourselves, why should we if we don't have to? And I'm not talking about those who want to be married, but are not due to circumstances that have prevented it. I'm squarely focusing on those among us who have decided that men are not essential in the equation of our lives. Yes, I believe we can live 'happily ever after' by ourselves, but what does that mean for our society, our children, our neighborhoods and our legacy? Aren't the ideal circumstances upon which to raise children and build a nation founded on the idea of a two-parent family? Why would God espouse the sanctity of marriage if that state didn't represent His highest idea of a perfect union?

What do you think?

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Marriage

Is the Maternal Instinct Real?

I was trolling the internet when I ran across this article about the maternal instinct:

LookSmart's FindArticles - Mother's Day: maternal instinct may be a myth. But this mother's son still sees something special in motherly love

Psychology Today, May, 1988, by Paul Chance

Now, I find the idea of whether or not women really have an innate maternal instinct really, really fascinating - mainly beecause I don't have kids. And, as a single, child-less person, I know for a fact that the thought of staying home and raising children full-time (with all the attendant diaper duty, early morning wake-ups, feedings, nurturing, rearing, cooking and cleaning) sends shivers of horror down my spine. And I know I'm not alone.

Sure, I get all dewy-eyed when I see a mom and dad with their cute kids (especially if they have a whole brood and they are all just so adorable), and, occassionally I fantasize about what my own children will be like - athletic, strong-willed, angelic :) - and then I wake up. I start thinking about how much child care costs and who is going to change these adorable childrens' diapers and how many games I will have to attend and do I really want to start carpooling? And my dream of having children once again gets pushed to the furthest corners of my mind.

So this makes me question whether all that stuff about maternal instinct is real. If I really had it, wouldn't I be rushing out to have children despite all my fears? The article I read insists that the maternal instinct is learned, not innate. This quote sums it up:

Then the Pill happened, and the '60s, and suddenly a lot of women were discovering that sex and reproduction were not inseparable. And just as suddenly there were a lot of women who didn't show much interest in making little ones. So it really does seem that maternal love is not instinctive.

The prevailing opinion among experts now seems to be that motherly behavior is the product of learning. Women have and love children only because they were trained to do so. That was what their mothers were up to when they encouraged them to spend countless hours with Barbie

That, however, seems a bit cold to me, so I'm thinking it must be a combination of the two. That the maternal instinct is both innate and learned. And, even if you don't have it to begin with, you can certainly learn it.

The Bible doesn't really say a whole lot about parenting either. There are admonitions about how children should be raised, but these injunctions are not addressed to one particular parent. And, in Bible stories, I have seen instances of both the mother and father interacting regularly with their children.

So - what do you think? Do you think the maternal instinct is a learned behavior or is innate?


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Parenting,

Should You Financially Support Your Man?

Taking up a line of thought from a previous blog entry, I thought I'd present this question: Should you financially support your man?

Which leads me to further questions: Is it ever okay to financially support a man? Is this biblical? Is it practical? Could a man gracefully accept being supported by a woman?

My feelings on the matter are this: I think it's okay - depending on the circumstances. I think every relationship should be about give and take. And that each partner should contribute something to the relationship, whether that be money, time, housekeeping duties, child-rearing, organizing the finances, etc. So, following that logic, it would be okay (in my mind) to financially support a man as long he is contributing something equally valuable to the relationship. Just as it would be okay to financially support a woman who is contributing equally to the relationship. Nothing is worse to me than someone who sits at home doing nothing (man or woman) while someone else foots the bill.

What are your thoughts? I'd love to hear stories from anyone who has supported a man (or has been supported by a woman) and how that worked out.

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Dating, Relationships

Are Men and Women Really Different?

Are men and women really different? A recent conversation with a friend brought this topic to the forefront of my mind. Apparently, her pastor said that he didn't believe that women should pastor churches. Now, their denonmination already accepted women ministers, but he believed it was morally incorrect for a woman to lead a church. What do you think?

Over the next few days, weeks, or however long it takes, I'm going to explore the differences and similarities between men and women. What the Bible says. What society says and what science has uncovered.

Stay tuned for more....

Religion

How Do You Know He's the One?

We've all met the seemingly perfect man: he opens doors for you, he's polite and courteous. He has a well-paying job, he's truthful, open and honest. He takes you out to dinner and doesn't expect anything in return and makes all the right noises about his interest in being committed. You get along great, you're thinking about introducing him to your parents and, then, he changes on you! He goes from calling you five times a day to 'just say hello' to sounding peeved when you call because he's 'trying to work'. He's taken you out five times and doesn't understand why you're not putting out. He gets a great paycheck of which he spends every penny trying to finance a gambling and/or shopping addiction.

So, how can you tell when you've really picked the right guy?

Read on:

1. He doesn't overwhelm you with affection right off the bat.

Yes, we all want to be swept off our feet, but steer far clear of men who want to marry you by Date 2. If he were really so anxious to be married, don't you think he would be by now? Now, I'm not saying that all men are like this, but, most men who start out very intensely burn out very quickly. After all, you don't think you are the only one he's ever been that crazy about, do you? Settle instead for someone who calls, texts or emails you a reasonable number of times. And one who has reasonable expectations of your relationship. Allow your relationship to begin at a slower pace and develop naturally - this will help it to last.

2. He doesn't pretend his credit, his past dating history, or his past life is or was perfect.

Okay, he makes a lot of money, but he hasn't always made a lot of money. And he probably wasn't always the most fiscally responsible person in the world. So don't let him lead you to believe otherwise. Also, he's done both good and bad in his past, so be on the lookout if he colors all his stories in his favor. Look for someone he gives you a fair and balanced re-telling of past struggles, issues or relationships. And, speaking of relationships:

3. He doesn't blame his last girlfriend for all of their problems.

If he begins his stories about his ex with phrases like, 'she mistreated me', 'she was no good', 'I tried to make it work, but she refused to try', or 'she was nothing but a manipulator', run far, far away! As previously mentioned, he has done both good and bad in his past. And this goes double for anything he did in his last relationship. She may not have been perfect, but he definitely wasn't either. There are three sides to every story - his side, her side and the truth. Try to find someone who gets as close to the 'truth' as possible.

4. He's consistent.

Remember how he used to call you five times a day? It's okay if it goes down to once or twice (a day), but once or twice a week? That's something to worry about. And don't accept the excuse that he all of a sudden doesn't have time. Somehow, he found time before, right? It takes two minutes to place a phone call, send an email or text message. Hold him accountable. But, on the flip side, if he only called you once or fewer times per day, don't expect him to start calling three or four times a day now. Observe his original pattern. Learn it. And see how close (or how far) he strays from it. There are few things worse than inconsistency in someone of whom you have greater epxectations.

5. His actions follow his words.

This goes two ways: he doesn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep and he does what he says he's going to do. He doesn't promise to spend more time with you this weekend if he knows he's going to be tied up in meetings. And he remembers to bring you a cheeseburger from McDonald's on his way home from work (like he said he would). Don't trust a man that constantly breaks his promises or makes promises he doesn't keep.

This is my short and sweet list, but feel free to comment and let me know of other traits that I'm sure to have missed! I'm also interested in hearing success stories from others who have found 'the one'.

Religion

How Not to Cheat

Excuses, excuses, excuses. I cheated because my husband doesn't understand me. I cheat because we've grown apart. I cheat because I'm not in love with my wife anymore. I cheat because my husband doesn't pay attention to me. I cheat because my wife won't give me what I want in bed. I cheat because - well, because I want to, darnit!

We have all heard, said and read about reasons to cheat. We all know why it's okay, why it's justifiable and why we can get away with it. Cheating has, in fact, almost become acceptable. After all, how can you possibly expect to stay faithful to one man or one woman for 10, 20 or even 30 years. Impossible! Right?

Impossible, no. Difficult, yes. So, following is my short and sweet list of How Not to Cheat:

1. Don't find yourself in a private setting with a member of the opposite sex.

As I always say - it's really, really hard to cheat when you're at home, alone, by yourself! Don't give yourself any more reasons to give into temptation.

2. Don't build emotional relationships with too many members of the opposite sex.

Friends, shmiends, most friend-ships (for men) are just a holding pattern until you are willing and ready to take it further. And we women are no better - we often just like to have a man as a backup plan, in case our current relationship doesn't work out. Guard your heart and your time - and hang out with more of your same sex friends.

3. Don't confide all your secrets in a member of the opposite sex.

Yeah, I know, it's much easier to share sometimes with someone that has a different set of chromosomes, but this is definitely heading in the direction of building emotional relationships (and you know where that usually leads). Especially don't share everything that your significant other does that bothers you. Some unscrupulous friends can and will use this against you at a later date. Get a best friend who is the same sex as you. Trust me - it's much easier in the end.

4. Don't spend time fantasizing about 'what if'.

Yes, I know most people don't really consider it cheating unless something physically happens, but, here's a news flash - thinking about doing something is just one step away from actually doing something. Don't think so? Fantasize about ice cream for the next half hour, and see if you don't head to your nearest Ben & Jerry's!

5. Stop seeking external validation.

Make sure you already think that you are okay. Or that you are great. Or whatever it is you need to make it through the day. Because the sooner you believe it yourself, the sooner you will no longer need someone else to make you feel that way.

6. Stay Busy!

Do I even need to get into this one? Suffice it to say the less free time you have, the less time you have to get yourself into 'trouble'.

7. Think about your mate.

Hey, here's something that's probably fallen by the wayside. Remember when you thought your mate was absolutely perfect and could do no wrong? Okay, so you know that ain't true, but I bet he or she still does some things very, very right. Think about those things. Replay them in your mind. Repeat.

8. Spend time building your relationship with your mate.

Spend time planning things you would like to do. Spend time cooking for him or her, sending him or her emails, spending quality time or taking long walks in the park. Whatever it takes to build upon what you already have. 'Cause building a new one will take just as much work as you are putting into the relationship you have now. It's easier (and cheaper) in the end to just love the one you've got.

9. Follow your own passion.

Quit trying to live your life through someone else! And quit thinking if you've bedded three or four people other than your significant other, that this makes you some type of player! You are not. You just lack self-control. Find what you do best - and do it. Enough said.

10. Commit to Yourself first!

Forget about trying to commit to another person through thick and thin. 'Cause his 'thin' will be too thin and her 'thick' will turn you off. Commit instead to your own personal desire to be faithful, loving and attentive to the one you've got. People change. Feelings change. But, knowing (and sticking to) who you are on the inside never goes out of style. Then, when you have the desire to cheat, you will realize it's much more important to be true to yourself than indulging in a temporary fix.

So, go forth and be faithful!
Religion