The Other Woman

I just heard the story today of an older woman whose husband left her for 'the other woman'. Apparently, her husband had been involved in an affair with this woman for 10-15 years. To add insult to injury, after he left her, she discovered he had been moving money out of their joint accounts (and out of his retirement account) to accounts she couldn't touch - in preparation for being with his 'other woman'. This woman is now facing a lengthy court battle, as she tries to regain the money he has, in effect, stolen from her.

There are so many things wrong with this story, it's hard to know where to begin. But I'd actually like to focus on the 'other woman'. (I am in no way implying that her husband was not at fault, but I believe this woman was just as guilty.) The reason this 'other woman' interests me so much is that I'd dearly love to know what's been going on in her mind for these last 10 years or so of her life.

Okay, I'm thinking, she meets this man, they become involved and then they apparently decide they are 'in love' with each other (and, believe me, that's a whole different post). She continues to spend time with him, sleep with him and be in a relationship with this man as he goes home every night to his wife. He probably tells her that he will leave his wife for her (one day) and then she probably aids and abets this man's efforts to re-appropriate money from his and his wife's account and most of his retirement account. He (finally) leaves his wife and they then live happily ever after? I don't think so.

Why not? Because I believe, as the Bible says, that you reap what you sow (or, as the world calls it, 'karma'). Why does this woman think that she is entitled to any happiness with a man who committed adultery (with her) on his wife, stole money from his wife, and spent the last 10+ years lying and being deceptive with this same wife? And, even worse than that - she knew what was going on! She was an integral part of it all - and allowed it to happen. Year after year, month after month, dollar by dollar that was stolen.

I guess my real question is this - Why do women allow themselves to become the 'other woman'? Somebody please explain this to me.

Yes, I know that some people believe you can't help who you fall in love with, but I have a big problem with that line of thinking. You may not be able to help who you fall in love with, but you can certainly help who you think about, who you spend time with and who you sleep with. And I know all about low self-esteem, so that's not a good excuse for me, either. And I know that some women believe there is a shortage of good men, but does that justify stealing someone else's?

I may be a romantic at heart, but I am a realist by nature. And, as a realist, I can realistically say that a marriage or relationship that is founded on lying and deceit has very little chance of lasting. And why (as a woman) would you even want to be with a man who has already proven himself to be a liar? I just don't get it.

Hopefuly, someone will enlighten me, soon!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Marriage, Cheating

The Myth of the Strong Black Woman

It's something my women friends and I talk about a lot. At dinner, running around, walking for exercise, or whatever. We are motivated, we are energized, we are cooperative and we are connected. Oh, and one more thing: We are TIRED!

Most of my girlfriends are still single. They may have a man, they may not. If they have one, it is a litany of what he is doing, what he is doing wrong, what he could be doing better and how can she continue to put up with this man. Our men are broke, broken down, tied down to two or three baby mammas, used up, tied up, playing games, uncommitted, unrepentant, unsure and timid. If they don't have a man, we talk about how they are making it, what their lives (or children's lives are like), how hard it is to meet a good man, how much easier it is to let their lives revolve around church, etc., etc. Oh, yeah: and we are TIRED!

Tired of having to make it work alone. Tired of being the only ones involved in the raising of our children. Tired of trying to make our relationships work. Tired of going to school so we can better ourselves cuz we darned sure can't depend on a man to take care of us. Tired of striving, tired of fighting, tired of 'keeping it all together', tired of taking care of mama, daddy, baby, boyfriend, sister, brother, nephews and nieces.

I want to talk today about the Myth of the Strong Black Woman.

See, Black women my age were raised with the notion that we'd only have ourselves and our mammas to depend on. A few girlfriends, if we were lucky. Maybe some daddy support every now and then (after mama had straightened him out), but, definitely, not ever, don't ever depend on it - support from our men. Or from society. All we had was ourselves, God, our mammas and each other.

So we built our own support networks, took care of our children, held down jobs, bought our own houses and proceeded to - make do. Make do without a man (or husband), make do without societal support, make do in our churches, accept leadership when they 'allowed' us and to take a back seat when they didn't. Be a good friend to other, similarly situated, woman. Be a good daughter and sister. Be a good mama, and in many cases, a good daddy as well. We made do.

But now we are tired.

I read a poem called The Strong Black Woman is Dead by Laini Mataka. In it, Ms. Mataka speaks about the mythological black woman who is now dead. One excerpt reads:

She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn't even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn't love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job

Sound like anybody you know? (The complete poem can be read here.)

Another article I read talks about the number of households now being headed by single black woman. It says:

I know the statistics: They say that when my grandmother was born at the turn of the century as few as 10 percent of black households were headed by females; when I was born at mid-century, it had crept to 17 percent; and now it is almost 60 percent. No longer a widow or a divorce as in times past, the single woman with children today probably has never married—and increasingly she is getting younger. By the time she is eighteen, one out of every four black unmarried women has become a mother.

And finally, an excerpt from "Soothe Your Nerves: The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Anxiety, Panic, and Fear" by Dr. Angela Neal-Barnett talks about how black women tend to underplay their stress levels and hold it all in. The author conducted a study of black women where they kept a diary of their day while their heart rate and blood pressure were measured as well. The women never admitted to being stressed out, but their blood pressure and heart rate went up by 15-20 points during the day. An excerpt from the book says:

Interviews indicated that women were aware of their stress level; they were just unwilling to admit it was problematic. Several said to me, "Baby, I don't have time to think about that mess. If I did, I'd be stressed out about everything." Yet taking the time out to acknowledge the stress and do something about it would go a long way toward preventing the development of serious anxiety and the health problems associated with it: chronic upper respiratory infections, hypertension, heart disease, and obesity.

Black women - what are we doing to ourselves? When you get stressed out, how do you handle it? Are you a classic case of 'holding it all in'?

I can only speak for myself - but it sure would be nice to have the family structure be what it used to be. To have loving and supportive dads and husbands. To be connected to each other, with God, with the community. To have a sense of who we are and where we are going. Inter-connected. Bonded. In Unity.

But maybe that's just me.

I know for myself - the days of trying to pretend I have it all together are gone. I am not afraid to ask for help, to show that I am weak, or to depend on others at times to get me through. I am not afraid to admit my complete dependency on God, the helping hands (and strong shoulders) of my girlfriends, the love and support of my family and the consistency and reliability of my man. I need, want and desire all those things to help me make it through.

The image of me as a Strong Black Woman is dead and gone.

How about you?



Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, African-American, Women

About the Sexual Revolution.......

The sexual revolution happened before I was born. All I know of it was what I saw on TV - women marching, burning their bras and equality being demanded for all women. Equal pay, equal rights and the equal ability to sleep around.

Or, at least, that's how it was portrayed.

I think the sexual revolution and the women's equality movement were beneficial to me in many ways. I appreciate the fact that I am paid as much as my male counterparts. I appreciate the fact that my future daughters can play any sport they want. And I appreciate all the minority government contracts that were set aside for women. (Not to mention my previously obtained rights to vote and to own property.)

But I also think the sexual revolution brought great losses to women.

One of the issues I have with this 'revolution' is the idea that women are now 'equal' in their ability to sleep around. Women of my generation and of the generation preceeding me were told we were free to sleep with whom we wanted. Birth control became widely available and sex was no longer tied to the idea of procreation. Now, we could just have sex for fun. We could be just as sexually adventurous as man, we were told. Live a little. Date. Sleep around. Enjoy yourself. It's your Right.

But they never told us the other side of the coin. That with sexual promiscuity comes a higher level of responsibility. That getting pregnant no longer meant a man would ask you to marry him. Or even stick around. As a matter of fact, abortions were as widely available as birth control, so that was now one of the choices we had to make for ourselves.

They never told us that since sex was no longer tied to procreation, not only would the man not necessarily stick around, but may never even acknowledge his child. Nor would there be anyone to pressure this young (or old) man into being responsible. Women were now solely responsible for themselves and, in many cases, responsible for the welfare and development of their children.

And they never told us that men and women process sex so very differently. That the hormonal and biological interactions that occur during sex cause men to become distant and women to become clingy. The Bible even says that sex is the only sin you do to your own body - and that you are 'joined' with every person you have sex with. The Bible meant that you are joined 'spiritually' - so you connect with every single person you have sex with. And, unless you go through a long period of cleansing and renewal, you will always carry those people around with you in your spirit. For the rest of our lives.

They never told us that.

The other problem I have with the sexual revolution is that I don't think it prepared women to deal with the reality of being 'equal' to men. Yes, we could join the work force, and no longer had to stay home to raise the kids, but we also lost quite a bit. Because we said that a woman has no set place, we now don't seem to know who we are or where we belong. Most women (myself included) love going to work every day and making a living, but when it comes to the idea of marriage and the 'equal' roles that I am told I should want - I am left at a loss. So now I don't have to cook, clean or be a full-time mom. But, what if I want to do those things? Does that make me any less a 'liberated' woman? (I am often struck not by how many women work these days, but how many women still choose to stay home and be full-time moms. College-educated, smart, work-oriented women. And studies show that women still do the majority of the household and child-raising duties. So, what did we really gain? A new expectation that not only would we work full-time, but that we would do the majority of the household chores and still do most of the child-rearing.)

The Bible admonishes me to be submissive and humble as a wife. To respect my husband and to serve him as I serve the Lord. Society tells me to be equal to my husband (or even to be dominant in the relationship) and to demand my 'rights'. Who's right?

I can tell you this for sure - I do want my rights in my future marriage. I want my 'right' to have a husband who loves me as much as he loves himself. I want my 'right' to have my husband minister to me spiritually and emotionally. And I want my 'right' to have a husband who will do what he needs to do to support our combined household (spiritually, financially, etc.). And I want my 'right' to a husband who feels just as responsible for our children, our spiritual life and our marriage.

I'm just not sure where all that fits in with the 'sexual revolution.'

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Sex, Marriage

Should Women Be Allowed to Preach in the Church?

To start off our discussion on the possible differences between men and women, we will start with an old favorite - Should Women Be Allowed to Preach in the Church?

This oft-debated topic has its share of proponents and detractors, both groups quoting their own favorite scriptures. So who's right? We may never really know, however, I'm going to add my own voice to the fray in trying to resolve this matter.

Do I think women should be allowed to preach in the church? In a word - yes. Why, you ask? Here are five reasons why:

1. (And this is my favorite) God never said that women shouldn't.

Preach, that is. There are no scriptures directly prohibiting a woman from preaching, prophesying or ministering in any fashion in the church.

2. The Bible tells us that tells us that God is no respecter of persons and all are considered the same in Christ.

Peter, in Acts 10:34 (see below) tells us that God is no respecter of persons. Peter learned this valuable lesson prior to being sent to lodge with a Gentile (which was considered abhorrent to many Jews at the time). If God could accept Gentiles, then why not women?

Paul, in Galatians 3:28-29, tells us that God doesn't consider the religion (Jew, nor Greek), status (bond nor free) or gender (male nor female) of His children - all are one in Christ.

Scripture References:

Act 10:34 Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:


Gal 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
Gal 3:29 And if ye be Christ's, then are ye Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.


3. Israelite women were placed in leadership roles and were called upon to prophesy.

Deborah was appointed as one of the judges of Israel (Judges 4:4-5). In this position, she judged all matters of contention between the Israelites. And, not only was she a judge, she was a prophetess as well! In Joel 2:28, God speaks through Joel to his people and tells them, among other things, that their daughters would prophesy.

Scripture References:

Jdg 4:4 And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.
Jdg 4:5 And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment.

Joe 2:28 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:

4. Women were with the Apostles when they received the Holy Spirit in the Upper Room.

After Jesus was resurrected and had ascended to heaven, the Apostles, along with a number of women, gathered in the upper room. During their prayer (and when they were on one accord), the Holy Spirit descended upon all of them and and all of them spoke in other tongues. God did not differentiate between the men and the women who were present in the Upper Room.

Scripture References:

Act 1:13 And when they were come in, they went up into an upper room, where abode both Peter, and James, and John, and Andrew, Philip, and Thomas, Bartholomew, and Matthew, James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon Zelotes, and Judas the brother of James.
Act 1:14 These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.

Act 2:1 And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place.
Act 2:2 And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.
Act 2:3 And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them.
Act 2:4 And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.

5. Women were only specifically directed to remain quiet in one instance.

For those who often quote 1 Corinthians, where Paul admonishes the women to keep silent in the churches and to ask their husbands questions in the privacy of their home - this scripture refers to one particular situation, one particular church and one particular instance. Reportedly, the women in the Corinthian church were being disruptive, and speaking out of turn. So, this admonishment was more about order than a general rule to be applied across all spectrums. God may not be a respecter of persons, but He does expect His people to be orderly!

Scripture References:

1Co 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
1Co 14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

I would love to hear your opininon - for and against. So let me know what you think!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Advice