The Barber Shop: About Fatherhood

T.H., over at The Barber Shop did a great post about a week ago called 'About Fatherhood'. I found it personally to be very inspiring and encouraging to hear a man talk about the joys of fatherhood. With the prevalence of DNA testing being done on talk shows to determine if some (very reluctant) man is the father of someone else's child, and men banding together to see if they can establish parental rights as strong as a woman's (i.e., not have to legally support their children if they were not in favor of him or her being born), it's refreshing to see a brother who feels that fatherhood is both a blessing and a privilege. Here is an excerpt from T.H.'s article.

I'm a proud father of two baby boys, an almost three-year-old and a one-year-old. Prior to becoming a dad I was kind of indifferent about having kids, because my dad was very distant when I was a kid so I guess I looked at children as being a burden to some extent.

In our popular culture a lot of brothers equate freedom and the "good life" to having little or no responsibilities. We're taught to fear being tied down by anything, be it marriage, children, or too much hard work. Words like commitment, discipline, and responsibility have a subtle negative burdensome connotation to them, so even when we embrace some of these situations it's often with a hint of mourning for our lost freedoms.

To read the entire article, visit here: The Barber Shop: About Fatherhood

Thank you, T.H., for a beautiful article.

12 Things the Negro Must Do For Himself

I don't know if you all have seen this before, but Nannie Helen Burroughs wrote an essay in the early 1900s that is eerily relevant to today's society. See for yourself:

12 Things the Negro Must Do For Himself

(Excerpts)

1. The Negro Must Learn To Put First Things First. The First Things Are: Education; Development of Character Traits; A Trade and Home Ownership.

2. The Negro Must Stop Expecting God and White Folk To Do For Him What He Can Do For Himself.

3. The Negro Must Keep Himself, His Children And His Home Clean And Make The Surroundings In Which He Lives Comfortable and Attractive.

4. The Negro Must Learn To Dress More Appropriately For Work And For Leisure.

5. The Negro Must Make His Religion An Everyday Practice And Not Just A Sunday-Go-To-Meeting Emotional Affair.

6. The Negro Must Highly Resolve To Wipe Out Mass Ignorance.

7. The Negro Must Stop Charging His Failures Up To His "Color" And To White People's Attitude.

8. The Negro Must Overcome His Bad Job Habits.

9. He Must Improve His Conduct In Public Places.

10. The Negro Must Learn How To Operate Business For People--Not For Negro People, Only.

11. The Average So-Called Educated Negro Will Have To Come Down Out Of The Air. He Is Too Inflated Over Nothing. He Needs An Experience Similar To The One That Ezekiel Had--(Ezekiel 3:14-19). And He Must Do What Ezekiel Did

12. The Negro Must Stop Forgetting His Friends. "Remember."

The entire essay can be read here

Isn't it fascinating? And this essay was written around 100 years ago!
And as tempted as I am, I will not take this as an opportunity to put Black folks down. If any of the above applies to you - then you are responsible for dealing with it. And, if it doesn't, it is your responsibility to help others around you to put those things behind them.

We have a long way to go, but, God willing, we will get there.

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, African-American, Self-Improvement

The Myth of the Strong Black Woman

It's something my women friends and I talk about a lot. At dinner, running around, walking for exercise, or whatever. We are motivated, we are energized, we are cooperative and we are connected. Oh, and one more thing: We are TIRED!

Most of my girlfriends are still single. They may have a man, they may not. If they have one, it is a litany of what he is doing, what he is doing wrong, what he could be doing better and how can she continue to put up with this man. Our men are broke, broken down, tied down to two or three baby mammas, used up, tied up, playing games, uncommitted, unrepentant, unsure and timid. If they don't have a man, we talk about how they are making it, what their lives (or children's lives are like), how hard it is to meet a good man, how much easier it is to let their lives revolve around church, etc., etc. Oh, yeah: and we are TIRED!

Tired of having to make it work alone. Tired of being the only ones involved in the raising of our children. Tired of trying to make our relationships work. Tired of going to school so we can better ourselves cuz we darned sure can't depend on a man to take care of us. Tired of striving, tired of fighting, tired of 'keeping it all together', tired of taking care of mama, daddy, baby, boyfriend, sister, brother, nephews and nieces.

I want to talk today about the Myth of the Strong Black Woman.

See, Black women my age were raised with the notion that we'd only have ourselves and our mammas to depend on. A few girlfriends, if we were lucky. Maybe some daddy support every now and then (after mama had straightened him out), but, definitely, not ever, don't ever depend on it - support from our men. Or from society. All we had was ourselves, God, our mammas and each other.

So we built our own support networks, took care of our children, held down jobs, bought our own houses and proceeded to - make do. Make do without a man (or husband), make do without societal support, make do in our churches, accept leadership when they 'allowed' us and to take a back seat when they didn't. Be a good friend to other, similarly situated, woman. Be a good daughter and sister. Be a good mama, and in many cases, a good daddy as well. We made do.

But now we are tired.

I read a poem called The Strong Black Woman is Dead by Laini Mataka. In it, Ms. Mataka speaks about the mythological black woman who is now dead. One excerpt reads:

She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn't even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn't love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job

Sound like anybody you know? (The complete poem can be read here.)

Another article I read talks about the number of households now being headed by single black woman. It says:

I know the statistics: They say that when my grandmother was born at the turn of the century as few as 10 percent of black households were headed by females; when I was born at mid-century, it had crept to 17 percent; and now it is almost 60 percent. No longer a widow or a divorce as in times past, the single woman with children today probably has never married—and increasingly she is getting younger. By the time she is eighteen, one out of every four black unmarried women has become a mother.

And finally, an excerpt from "Soothe Your Nerves: The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Anxiety, Panic, and Fear" by Dr. Angela Neal-Barnett talks about how black women tend to underplay their stress levels and hold it all in. The author conducted a study of black women where they kept a diary of their day while their heart rate and blood pressure were measured as well. The women never admitted to being stressed out, but their blood pressure and heart rate went up by 15-20 points during the day. An excerpt from the book says:

Interviews indicated that women were aware of their stress level; they were just unwilling to admit it was problematic. Several said to me, "Baby, I don't have time to think about that mess. If I did, I'd be stressed out about everything." Yet taking the time out to acknowledge the stress and do something about it would go a long way toward preventing the development of serious anxiety and the health problems associated with it: chronic upper respiratory infections, hypertension, heart disease, and obesity.

Black women - what are we doing to ourselves? When you get stressed out, how do you handle it? Are you a classic case of 'holding it all in'?

I can only speak for myself - but it sure would be nice to have the family structure be what it used to be. To have loving and supportive dads and husbands. To be connected to each other, with God, with the community. To have a sense of who we are and where we are going. Inter-connected. Bonded. In Unity.

But maybe that's just me.

I know for myself - the days of trying to pretend I have it all together are gone. I am not afraid to ask for help, to show that I am weak, or to depend on others at times to get me through. I am not afraid to admit my complete dependency on God, the helping hands (and strong shoulders) of my girlfriends, the love and support of my family and the consistency and reliability of my man. I need, want and desire all those things to help me make it through.

The image of me as a Strong Black Woman is dead and gone.

How about you?



Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, African-American, Women

About the Sexual Revolution.......

The sexual revolution happened before I was born. All I know of it was what I saw on TV - women marching, burning their bras and equality being demanded for all women. Equal pay, equal rights and the equal ability to sleep around.

Or, at least, that's how it was portrayed.

I think the sexual revolution and the women's equality movement were beneficial to me in many ways. I appreciate the fact that I am paid as much as my male counterparts. I appreciate the fact that my future daughters can play any sport they want. And I appreciate all the minority government contracts that were set aside for women. (Not to mention my previously obtained rights to vote and to own property.)

But I also think the sexual revolution brought great losses to women.

One of the issues I have with this 'revolution' is the idea that women are now 'equal' in their ability to sleep around. Women of my generation and of the generation preceeding me were told we were free to sleep with whom we wanted. Birth control became widely available and sex was no longer tied to the idea of procreation. Now, we could just have sex for fun. We could be just as sexually adventurous as man, we were told. Live a little. Date. Sleep around. Enjoy yourself. It's your Right.

But they never told us the other side of the coin. That with sexual promiscuity comes a higher level of responsibility. That getting pregnant no longer meant a man would ask you to marry him. Or even stick around. As a matter of fact, abortions were as widely available as birth control, so that was now one of the choices we had to make for ourselves.

They never told us that since sex was no longer tied to procreation, not only would the man not necessarily stick around, but may never even acknowledge his child. Nor would there be anyone to pressure this young (or old) man into being responsible. Women were now solely responsible for themselves and, in many cases, responsible for the welfare and development of their children.

And they never told us that men and women process sex so very differently. That the hormonal and biological interactions that occur during sex cause men to become distant and women to become clingy. The Bible even says that sex is the only sin you do to your own body - and that you are 'joined' with every person you have sex with. The Bible meant that you are joined 'spiritually' - so you connect with every single person you have sex with. And, unless you go through a long period of cleansing and renewal, you will always carry those people around with you in your spirit. For the rest of our lives.

They never told us that.

The other problem I have with the sexual revolution is that I don't think it prepared women to deal with the reality of being 'equal' to men. Yes, we could join the work force, and no longer had to stay home to raise the kids, but we also lost quite a bit. Because we said that a woman has no set place, we now don't seem to know who we are or where we belong. Most women (myself included) love going to work every day and making a living, but when it comes to the idea of marriage and the 'equal' roles that I am told I should want - I am left at a loss. So now I don't have to cook, clean or be a full-time mom. But, what if I want to do those things? Does that make me any less a 'liberated' woman? (I am often struck not by how many women work these days, but how many women still choose to stay home and be full-time moms. College-educated, smart, work-oriented women. And studies show that women still do the majority of the household and child-raising duties. So, what did we really gain? A new expectation that not only would we work full-time, but that we would do the majority of the household chores and still do most of the child-rearing.)

The Bible admonishes me to be submissive and humble as a wife. To respect my husband and to serve him as I serve the Lord. Society tells me to be equal to my husband (or even to be dominant in the relationship) and to demand my 'rights'. Who's right?

I can tell you this for sure - I do want my rights in my future marriage. I want my 'right' to have a husband who loves me as much as he loves himself. I want my 'right' to have my husband minister to me spiritually and emotionally. And I want my 'right' to have a husband who will do what he needs to do to support our combined household (spiritually, financially, etc.). And I want my 'right' to a husband who feels just as responsible for our children, our spiritual life and our marriage.

I'm just not sure where all that fits in with the 'sexual revolution.'

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Sex, Marriage

The Quest for Perfect Love

Don't you just love Sunday mornings? It is usually the one day of the week that you don't have to get up early, you get to relax and, of course, spend some time with God.

At my church this morning, our Pastor spoke today about the Quest for Perfect Love. This was taken from 1 John 6:12, 16-19:

12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.

I love these verses. It reminds us, first, of God's love for us, but also reminds us of our responsibility to love one another. Verse 12 tells us that none of us has seen God - face to face, that is. We know of Him, we can see the wonders of His glory around us, but He is not an earthly being. God is a spirit. However, God lives in us as we love another. This is the secret to finding that ever elusive 'Perfect Love'.

'Perfect Love', as my pastor reminded us, is not often found in another person. Our own love for one another is imperfect - it is flawed. However, God's love is perfect. And, by demonstrating His love to others, our own love is made perfect as well.

I also love the verse about there being no fear in love. That 'perfect' love casts out fear. Wouldn't that be great? To finally not feel fear - about anything? This is possible only through the love that God has available for us. Perfect love - no fear.

And, finally, I love the verse where it says we love God because He loved us first. I am always humbled to think about the many years I spent away from God - living my own life the way I thought was best. Ignoring God. Being selfish. And yet He loved me anyway. The same way He loves you. Despite your reservations, your fears, your apprehensions and your skepticism about who God is. (And, yeah, He knows all about what you think about 'hypocritical' Christians, pastors who are 'pimping' the church and your ability to be a Christian within the confines of your own home - but it's all good, as you will soon discover.)

In fact, He loved you so much, that he made a way for you to come to Him. All you have to do is accept His love for you. Acknowledge that Jesus died on the cross to save your life and that he is the Son of God. And that's it. You are now His.

So, today, when you are seeking that 'perfect' love, and realize that you will not get it from anyone - not your spouse, not your kids, not even your mom - realize that God has it in store for you.

He's just waiting on you.



Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, God, Love

The AIDS Virus is Killing the African-American Community

I was reading an article in Newsweek this week and I was horrified to learn how the AIDS virus is ravaging the Black community. (Newsweek gives an overview of the AIDS epidemic in America here.) Numbers don't lie. The article tells us that:

African-Americans make up just 13 percent of the U.S. population but account for an astounding 51 percent of new HIV diagnoses. Black men are diagnosed at more than seven times the rate of white men, black females at 20 times the rate of white women.

Did you see that figure about black women - we are getting AIDS at 20 TIMES the rate of white women. 20 TIMES. And, most heartbreaking of all, most black women get the disease during heterosexual sex with men.

The virus once referred to as "gay-related immunodeficiency disease" has become increasingly gender-blind, especially in the black community, where heterosexual transmission accounts for 25 percent of male infections and 78 percent of female infections.

And where are most of the black men getting the disease? From homosexual sex with another man.

That's scary. And it's outrageous. One of the men profiled in the story admitted to regularly having sex with both men and women. And, EVEN AFTER HE FOUND OUT HE HAD AIDS - HE STILL HAD UNPROTECTED SEX. And did not bother to inform his sex partners that he had the virus.

Ladies - that could be someone you are dating. Or someone you might consider dating. The article made it clear that it was not only 'promiscuous' women who got the virus from their partner - one woman was married and the another had been with very few men. But it just takes one time. One time with one person without protection. Just one time.

And the scariest part of all is that you can't even assume your partner will know if he or she even has the virus. The article uncovered the fact that testing among black men is low. A study of 2000 bisexual men discovered that half of these men tested positive for AIDS and TWO-THIRDS OF THEM DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD THE DISEASE!!!

All I can say is, if you are having sex, protect yourself. Get tested for AIDS. And if you are contemplating marrying or becoming engaged in a long-term relationship, have your partner test himself or herself as well.

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, AIDS, African-American

In Pursuit of Perfection

Are you a person who is always striving to be 'perfect'? Does your house always have to look sparkling clean? Do your shoes always have to have a certain shine? Is it necessary to put on makeup and coordinate your clothing before you leave the house? How about your kids - how bent out of shape do you become when they give in to their normal childish behavior? When their grades are less than stellar? What about your spouse - does his or her appearance/mannerisms/job have to be at a certain standard to meet your approval?

The sad truth about it is, if you are a perfectionist about any of the above things, you are probably even harder on yourself. Chances are, you reserve the worst criticism for yourself: How you are not where you want to be in life, don't look the way you want to look, don't like yourself, aren't smart enough, aren't good enough and (maybe) never will be.

And, if you are a Christian, there is one more thought probably echoing in your head: I'm not a very good Christian. This thought typically comes with its own depressing litany: I don't pray enough (or long enough), I can't control my hormones (or my mouth), I am a lousy role model, I don't fast enough, I don't study enough, I don't go to church, I don't go to church as often as I should. I don't know enough of the Word and,the worst thought of all - God can't possibly love me with all my flaws. It's almost like you don't want to be a Christian so much as you want to be able to model what you consider perfect Christian behavior. As if being a Christian on the outside can make up for what you feel you lack on the inside.

In pursuit of 'Perfection'.

A good friend once told me 'Perfection is a Long Road to Nowhere'. This is what you must think to yourself as you strive to reach an unreachable goal.

"But, Sonya", you will say, "Doesn't the Bible require that we be 'perfect'?" The short answer is - NO. The most often quoted scripture is found in Matthew 5:48, when Jesus says 'Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.' But, according to Strong's concordance, this reading of 'perfect' means complete (in growth and moral character), not perfect the way we traditionally mean it - without any flaws, imperfections or mistakes. God knew that we would all make mistakes. Jesus died on the cross to pardon us from all our sins - past, present and future.

This, of course, doesn't mean that we should sin indiscriminately (this is further addressed in Romans 6:1), just that God made provision for us, knowing we would sin.

So what should that say to you? That God knew you would sin and still loves you. Loved you so much that He made a way for you to reach Him no matter what. And, if He can accept you will all your imperfections, shouldn't you?

God does not expect 'perfection', but He does expect you to try really, really hard. To study His word (2 Tim 2:15) on a daily basis (Ps 1:2). To be unlike the world and to transform our minds away from its thinking (Rom 12:2). To love God with all that we have (Matthew 22:37) and to treat others as well as we treat ourselves (Matthew 22:39).

But none of those things require perfection. And what does God think of our efforts? In the well-known story of Cain and Abel, prior to Cain taking Abel's life, Cain brought an offering to God. God was more pleased with Abel's offering (which led to Cain's jealousy and his subsequent murder of Abel), which made Cain angry. But the Bible says, "Then the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?..."(Gen 4 NIV). God was perfectly willing to accept the best that Cain had to offer - if Cain had been willing to give it.

Our God is not so concerned with the obsessive pursuit of perfection, but with our obedience - a desire to do His will. And, even more importantly, with a willing heart. Our obedience and willingness to please Him count much more than our desire to look 'perfect' in another person's (or our own) eyes.

Perfection is a long road to nowhere.

Strive instead to be 'perfect' before the Lord - experiencing spiritual growth and maturity as you serve Him with the best that you have to give. And, if you do what is right, will you not be accepted?

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Advice

Christian Worship - Does it Really Take 'All That'?

I attend a Baptist church. Every Sunday we gather to hear a sermon, praise God, sing along to the music, worship, give our offering and return to our homes. But it is an understatement to say that we simply 'enjoy' ourselves while attending church.

We sing. We dance. We clap loudly at the slightest provocation. We jump up and down. We run the aisles. And, sometimes, we pass out from the sheer joy of it all.

As a worshipper at a church that is 'high in the Spirit', I am often asked the question - "Does it really take 'all that' (all that meaning - all that noise, all that hollering (by the preacher), all that music and all that excitement)?" So I ask you that question as well - do you think it really takes 'all that' to worship God?

I could have chosen a different kind of church setting. I could have chosen to engage in the solemnity of the Catholic mass. Or the subdued excitement of the Lutheran church. Or I could have chosen a church that emphasized 'teaching' over 'preaching'. One that was quiet, thoughtful and reflective of the Awesome Unknown that is God.

But I chose the church where I currently worship. With its combination of exuberance and scholarly learning. Shouted worship mixed with deep silences into which we whisper our Awe of God. Dancing and jumping up and down contrasted with the sister in the corner raising her hand in silent praise.

So, again, I ask you - do you think it really takes 'all that' to worship God?

I think it does. I think it takes all you are willing to put out there to worship God in the way you see fit. But I also think you can worship and praise God silently, respectfully and with little ado. I think there is just as much joy to be found in raising your hands to silently worship God as the man or woman has who is running down the aisles as if they recently left a fire. Just as much passion in the man dancing for joy as the child who is clapping her hands and rocking back and forth in silent wonder.

The Bible seems to reflect both views as well. Psalms 66:1-2, says "...Make a joyful noise unto God, all the earth: Sing forth the glory of his name: Make his praise glorious." But, conversely, John 4:24 says "God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship in spirit and truth." This tells me that God accepts praise and worship how it is offered - and welcomes both. King David danced mightily before the Lord, but God spoke to Elijah in a still, small voice. God just wants you to come. I think it is just us who get caught up in the form and fashion.

How do you prefer to worship God? Do you think there is a difference between praise and worship?

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Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Worship

More Da Vinci Code Stuff

I'm still rather fascinated by the whole Da Vinci Code phenomenon, so I'm reading the news, websites and other blogs to see what others have to say about it. I'm particularly interested in the Christian reaction to it.

From my reading, there seem to be two reactions - strong abhorrence to the book and/or movie and a lighthearted take on what we should all understand is just 'fiction'. Below is an example of the latter sentiment, from the The Grail Code Blog:

The best thing about The Da Vinci Code is that it's getting a lot of people interested in Christian history. You can get a conversation about the Gnostics started in the dentist's office; you can talk with a stranger about Mary Magdalene while you're waiting on the safety island for the streetcar. These things didn't happen before Dan Brown. (That whole article can be found here.)

I agree with the writer of this piece. Prior to the Dan Brown novel, we were not having these conversations, much less even thinking about such things (at least I wasn't). While I have given some time and attention to early Christian history, Dan Brown's novel forced me to re-think my perception of Jesus, the role of women in the early church and my whole concept of sin.

The book did not, however, shake my faith. And I don't believe, in a widely quoted passage from the book that 'everything we had been taught about Christianity is wrong'. I believe that Jesus rose from the dead. I believe that he was the Son of God. So that didn't change upon reading the book.

But it did make me re-think what I thought about Jesus, the workings of the early church and church history as a whole. And the thing to remember (as has often been pointed out) is that the Da Vinci Code is a work of fiction (with some factual content about the Priory of Sion, architecture and art history). (The Catholic Answers website does a really good job of debunking the book in 'Cracking the Da Vinci Code'.) So, ultimately, though I thought the book was a pretty good read (though I liked Dan Brown's book Angels and Demons better), it was just one more good read among many. But, as the Grail Code Blog pointed out, we certainly are having a lot more interesting conversations now!



Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Da Vinci Code

Deciphering The Da Vinci Code

I was browsing the internet today, when I ran across a special webpage put together by Focus on the Family. This webpage brings together radio broadcasts, articles and resources to help you decipher the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. The webpage can be found here.

I also think fellow blogger, Higher, had a really good post about the Da Vinci Code. It's Called Cracking the Da Vinci Code.

What do I think about it all? I am no Biblical scholar (which is why I am pointing you to a couple of places that have good information about the Da Vinci Code controversy), but I think any debate about Christianity is a good one. Yes, people are questioning whether Jesus was married, or if his bloodline died out, etc, etc, but at least people are talking about Jesus. And it's hard to debate about someone without giving at least some thought to who that person is. I'm all for spreading the gospel by any means necessary. So I tend to think Author Dan Brown did us all a big favor by writing his book. But that's just my humble opinion.

What are your thoughts about the Da Vinci Code and the surrounding controversy? Do you plan on going to see the movie?


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Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Da Vinci Cod

Why Are You So Angry?

Have you ever been so angry that you lost control? That you did or said something that you normally would not do? So angry that you are still paying the price for your thoughtless words or vindictive actions?

You're not alone. Everyone experiences anger at some point. It could be over something as simple as someone taking too much time ahead of you in the store. Someone cutting you off on the freeway. A marriage gone bad. A job that has become too stressful. A life that is simply overwhelming.

The bible is filled with examples of people who got angry - God hardened Pharaoh's heart as Moses sought the freedom of the Israelites. Pharaoh's anger (and stubbornness) led to plagues, adversity and death for his people.

Naaman, captain of the host of Syria, was almost doomed to a life of leprosy because of his anger. Naaman visited the prophet Elisha to seek a healing for his leprosy, but turned away in anger when he did not receive the response he desired. Only the intelligence of his servants saved him from the price of his foolish actions.

The Apostle Paul was filled with righteous anger towards the newly founded Christian sect. After Jesus's death, he sought to kill as many Christians as he could. A fateful encounter on the Damascus road finally caused him to see the error of his ways and allowed his heart to become open to the Savior.

Anger can be a very destructive emotion. Ephesians 4:6 admonishes us to 'Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath'. I believe sin follows so closely behind anger in this passage because God knew how easily destructive behavior follows the expression of anger. This is not necessarily an injunction to never get angry (Jesus used anger to great effect in ridding the temple of money changers), but not to allow anger to lead you into foolish acts.

Anger also has a negative impact on your mind, your emotions and your body's chemistry. An article in Psychology Today sums it up this way:

A strong emotion that is accompanied by arousal of the nervous system, anger produces effects throughout the body. It eats away at your cardiovascular system, your gut and hijacks nervous system, often obliterating the capacity for clear thinking.

And, despite conventional wisdom that it is a good idea to 'get it all out', it has been proven that the release of anger actually makes you feel worse, not better. But you already knew that, didn't you? Because you remember the last time you had an argument, got angry and said and did things that only made the situation or problem worse. In fact, you did not become less angry after the fight, but more angry. Not to mention your bruised feelings, sense of outrage and unfairness that you still feel when you think about it.

So what does the Bible say to do about anger? Don't give in to it and leave the revenge for God. Paul says in Romans 12 '17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.'

He ends this passage by saying '21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.'

So go forth today and instead of becoming angry, be glad - knowing that the Lord will fight your battles and avenge any wrong done to you. And repay evil with good. But, whatever you do - don't let anger get the best of you!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Advice,Self-Help

Fasting For Lent

Did you give up anything to celebrate this past Lenten season? I'm curious about what other Christians are doing to mark this celebration.

Every year (since I've become a practicing Christian), I am faced with the challenge of how to mark or celebrate the Lenten season. Though I am a Baptist by denomination (and Baptists don't typically don't celebrate Lent), I am moved by the thought of using the Lenten season to remember the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us on the cross.

For background, Lent is the 40-day period prior to Easter Sunday (excluding Sundays). The period of 40 days is representive of the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness, being tempted by Satan. During that time, he fasted. During Jesus's 40 days in the wilderness, Satan tempted him with all kinds of things - wealth, power and authority - if Jesus would bow down and worship him. Jesus refused and resisted everything the devil offered - because he knew the real deal - there was only one true God, and Satan wasn't Him. And, furthermore, that Satan didn't truly have the power to give Jesus all those things he was promising - all things belong to God and Him alone.

(A good article on Lent can be found here.)

So, it is very easy to draw the analogy between what Jesus did (resisting evil) and our ongoing battle to resist temptation. And to incorporate fasting - which is what people do during this season - fast, or 'give up' certain items, as a means of following in Jesus's footsteps. A time to become closer to God and reflect on who He is and what He has done for us.

So how was your Lenten season? Any thoughts on how Lent should be celebrated?



Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Easter

In the News: Black Woman Have Increased Breast Cancer Risk

A recent news story about a study of one million women found that Black women are diagnosed with more advanced breast cancer tumors than White woman. Not because we get cancer at a higher rate, but because we are inadequately screened,the article says. Specifically:

Compared with white women, black women were significantly more likely to have received inadequate screening, which included never receiving a mammogram before diagnosis, not receiving one until age 55, or not receiving one in the past three and a half years, said Rebecca Smith-Bindman, M.D., of the University of California San Francisco.

Have you been screened recently for breast cancer? I have - and though I hated the poking, prodding and squeezing - I at least left with the reassurance of knowing I had done my part to catch a potentially fatal disease.

Ladies - make sure you are screened regularly and, if you are at high risk or over the age of 40, that you receive yearly mammograms. And men - make sure all the women in your life are well protected.

Be Blessed!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Health

The Hook-Up

Violet T. Barry, who is the President of one of my sister websites, Holy Jamz, submitted this article to me, and I thought it was very powerful. Read on and let me know what you think:

When I was 19, I let one of my friends introduce me to a guy who she knew through association as one of her boyfriend's closest friends. When we met, it started off really sweet for a moment. Everything was going pretty nicely until he started talking about sex. After that first conversation, every conversation eventually led to the same topic which eventually turned into him pursuing me. So I lost my cool one day and told him to lose my number and pretend as if we never met.

A few weeks after that conversation, I got a page from him from out of the blue. Within that same hour I started receiving 911 pages from different telephone numbers. By the time I pulled up to my house from school I called the last number back and it was my friend who was crying and begging me to go and get her. I asked her where she was and I jumped in the car and took off. When I reached her and got her safely inside of the car, she told me that her ex-boyfriend (who set me up with the guy I told never to call me again) stopped by her family's house and asked her to go for a ride with him. She agreed and he took her to a gated apartment complex that you could only get in and out of with a key.

She told him that she'd rather wait in the car but he insisted that she went up with him because he was going to be a while. Eventually after going back and forth, she agreed. He had her step into the apartment first and closed and locked the door behind him. The apartment was full of guys. And everyone was staring at her. After that sentence the rest of the events from that moment on was a blur. The guy that I had been talking to was also in that apartment. As far as she can remember, her ex-boyfriend took her into a bedroom and raped her. After that, the guy I had been talking to entered the room and she only remembers running and screaming. After that, she can't recall how she got her clothes back on. She remembered running through the apartment complex and trying to jump the high concrete wall to get out. She never really understood how she made all the way to where she was when I picked her up.

At the time, she refused to call the police or to go to the rape trauma center. It was after taking her to another friend's place and talking with her and her husband that she agreed to go to the emergency room. We were told to go to the trauma rape center where she was examined by nurses and coaxed into speaking with a police officer to take a statement. She asked me to stay with her and I did.

It was then that I learned that she didn't really know the guy that she called her boyfriend. They had been dating for less than a month and she only knew him by his street name and the vehicle that he drove. She did not know of either his real first or last name, where he stayed, his home telephone number or anything. She basically knew jack about this dude and was sexually active with him from jump. The police never bothered to follow-up on the incident and she decided to put it behind her and pretend as if it never happened. We never spoke about it again but I never fully understood why things went down the way that they did.

I learned that I was set-up to be gang raped along with my friend that night but didn't. I learned that I really did not know my friend the way that I thought I did. I learned that it was best that I make my own mistakes and that it was better for me not to follow or allow people that I knew to influence me into making poor decisions. My heart went out to my friend for what she had survived that night. At the same time, I also realized that it could have also been me and that she had led me falsely into dating one of her rapists by telling me that she had been with her boyfriend for a long time and knew his friend, too.

I could say that the experience kept me on my toes and from going on to make more mistakes and bad decisions but I would be a liar. I was one of those people who had to learn things the hard way for quite some time before coming to any kind of common sense. When I look back at some of the things that I've done in my younger years, I know that it was nothing but the grace of God that spared, kept and saved me even in the midst of some of the worse choices I've ever made and in the midst of some of the darkest periods of my life. As women, if we can not love ourselves and be content in knowing that the Lord loves us and cares for us regardless of what we may think or feel for ourselves, happiness will never be found in bed with some man between our thighs for whatever amount of minutes or hours the sin of lust can last.

If you've tried everything else imaginable in your life, why not give Christ a try?

Why not, indeed? Have you ever experienced anything like this or heard of anything like this happening to anybody else? What kind of vetting process do you think you need to put your potential boyfriend through to make sure it doesn't happen to you? Hopefully, this article will make us all be just a little more careful about who we choose to spend our time with.


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Dating, Singles

Worth Watering: He loves me despite myself

Worth Watering: He loves me despite myself

This blog entry is from a sister website - Worth Watering. In this poem, Ms. Mimi talks about her relationship with God, how He has touched her life and her relationship with Him. I love the creativity, energy and passion Ms. Mimi puts into her poetry and I just thought you might just like to check it out as well!

Here is an excerpt from her poem:

He loves me despite myself

That is what I love about him
I have strayed, played, have been negligent in my treatment of him
Yet, whenever I call, he answers
I hang my heavy head.
Without questioning he forgets
each irresponsible thing I've said or done

He's the one.

Check out Ms. Mimi's blog to read the rest of this Awesome poem for yourself!

Getting Closer to God

I have had a lot of conversations recently about how to know God. People wanting to know how to hear from God, how to become closer with Him and how to take their relationship with Him to the next level. Today, I wanted to talk a little bit about how to get closer to God. (I also wrote an article entitled How to Hear From God on my website for more information.)

I personally approach my relationship with God as I would anyone with whom I wanted a close relationship. Someone I was dying to get to know better. For most people, this could accurately describe how you felt when you first fell in love. I was anxious to know what He was about, what He liked, and how I could do more things to please Him. I also wanted to know Him as my Father, my Friend, my Comforter and my Strength (all things that were promised in the Bible). In that God could be so many things to me, it was very important to me to build a solid relationship with Him. So, how did I do that? Initially, by reading the Bible (His letter to us), talking to other people, listening to good preaching and a little bit of trial and error. Here is what I discovered:

1. God Likes to Talk

God likes to talk to His children. All throughout the Bible, there are instances of God speaking to his people, his prophets, his servants and those who faithfully followed him. In Isaiah 1:18, God says ‘Come now, and let us reason together, saith Jehovah: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.’ (ASV) I like this verse a lot because not only does it show that God wants to talk to us, He promises He is open to us even in the midst of our sins. We may not like everything God has to say to us, but it is reassuring to know He wants to hear our conversation.


2. God Likes to Hear You Say Good Things About Him

A good example of a person who was close to God was King David. Though he sinned in his personal life (and was punished), God still considered him to have been pure in his heart towards God. I think one of the reasons for this was because David was tops in one area: he loved to praise God! A familiar passage of scripture can be found in Psalms 34:1-2, where David says ‘…..I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.’ David made a point of saying good things about God and openly displayed his affection and devotion to God no matter what anyone else thought. And, because of this, God counted David as a friend. As my pastor’s wife often says, if you were in a relationship with someone, would you want them to be embarrassed to talk about you? I think not….

3. God Has to Come First

The first of the ten commandments (in Exodus 20) says that we are to have no other gods before Him. We are also told time and again to love God with all our heart, soul and might (Deut. 6:5, 30:6, Matt. 22:37, etc.). That is the first and most significant commandment. Everything else God asks us to do comes after this first and most important command. It is important as a Christian that you build your relationship with God first – and from that, your relationships with other people.

4. God Gets Jealous of Competition

In the ten commandments, right after God tells us that He will have no other gods before Himself, He tells us in Exodus 20:5 ‘Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God…’ God does not like competition. As a matter of fact, not only does He not like competition, He gets jealous when you have someone or something in your life that you hold in higher esteem than you do Him. That means husband or wife, children, family, friends, job, money, material things or wealth. Whatever it is - you can never put those things or those people before God. Remember – no one else is your God – but Him.

5. God Likes to Spend Quality Time With You

God says to Moses in Exodus 25:22 ‘And there I will meet with thee, and I will commune with thee from above the mercy seat…’ The American Heritage Dictionary of the English language defines commune as ‘To be in a state of intimate, heightened sensitivity and receptivity, as with one's surroundings’. And we are reminded that God is the One ‘Who comforteth us in all our tribulation….’ (2 Cor 1:4) Communing with God and being comforted by God all involved spending time with God. We are so often in a hurry, ripping and running from place to place, that we want what we want from in a hurry! Well, here’s a news flash - it doesn’t usually work that way. Most true spiritual work takes time. If you’re lucky, God will deliver you of your troubles right away, but, most of the time, He doesn’t.. Most things that you want from God will take time – and involve a process. A process of spending time with God, talking to God, listening to God, and spending good quality time with God. Saying good things about God, putting God first, and getting rid of (or lessening) any competition. That’s what it takes to be close to God.


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Advice, God

A Beautiful Marriage

All this talk about marriage, being single, having children and the idea behind commitment (please re-read previous entries for reference) have made me re-think what God intended for marriage. So, I read through some scriptures, and gave it some thought (and prayer) as I tried to re-focus on His intended will.

And, once again, I am reminded of the beauty of marriage as God intended it to be - a mutually satisfying, mutually loving, respectful and mutually desired state. No hint of a baby's daddy or baby's mama, sperm banks, two or three women (or men) 'on the side', fooling around or trophy wives. A whole lot of love, a whole lot of respect, and a whole lot of God is more like He intended for us.

Oh, how wonderful it would be to go back to God's original plan!

Following are some points that I gleaned from my recent study of God's word:

1. THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP COMES FIRST (AFTER GOD)
Genesis 2:23 - Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh

Notice a man leaves both mother and father to be with his wife. And also notice this is before there is any mention of children, friends or other family members. In other words, the marriage relationship comes first. The only One you should love more is God. Period.

2. DIVORCE IS THE LAST OPTION
Matthew 5:31 - ....But I say to you that whoever shall put away his wife, except for cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever shall marry her who is put away commits adultery

We divorce for so many reasons nowadays, but, most often I hear the phrase 'we grew apart'. As you can see, the Bible does not make provision for 'growing apart'. Except for adultery (and if an unbelieving husband/wife leaves his or her spouse), the Bible says you should stay married. So, again, unless you have a very good reason, if you are married, you should stay married.

3. HUSBAND AND WIVES ARE TO BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER
1 Corinthians 7:3 - Let the husband give to the wife proper kindness, and likewise the wife also to the husband.

This should be basic, but so often it is not. A lot of people consider their husbands or wives their favorite 'target', the object of their misery, the causer of all their pain. The Bible says that, instead, we should be kind to our spouses. Kindness - wouldn't it be nicer if there were a whole lot more of that going around?

4. SEX SHOULD BE A MUTUAL PLEASURE (one of my favorites:)
1. Corinthians 7:4-5 - The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. And likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife. Do not deprive one another, unless it is with consent for a time, so that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer.....

This verse is basically saying that neither the husband or wife has the 'right' to continually say no. That means no 'holding out', playing games or depriving him or her of yourself. And, if you need to pray or fast for an extended period of time, to get your spouse's consent - let him or her know what is going on. Sex was meant to be a pleasurable coming together of a husband and wife. Is it that way for you?

5. HUSBANDS SHOULD LOVE THEIR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it,

I love this verse as well. This scripture admonishes husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church - in other words, be willing to sacrifice himself for her. To nurture and care for her. To love her and to cherish her. (I could go on and on....) It even goes on to say that the husband should love the wife as much as he loves himself - and no man ever hated himself.

6. WIVES SHOULD RESPECT THEIR HUSBANDS AND SUBMIT TO THEM AS UNTO GOD
Ephesians 5:22 - Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

I'd love to be able to stop at the last scripture, but, ladies there are instructions for us as well. (And, yes, I have just as much of a problem with the word 'submit' as you do!) The best explanation I've seen of this passage is where John Gill says 'This is an instance, explaining the above general rule; which subjection lies in honour and reverence, and in obedience; they should think well of their husbands, speak becomingly to them, and respectfully of them; the wife should take care of the family, and family affairs'. In other words, that submission comes through love, not subjugation, humiliation or a master-servant relationship. But through love.

And, we are reminded that we are to submit ourselves to our husbands as unto the Lord. Now that's deep. For the Lord I will give my all. And what the Lord is saying to me is that that commitment must be the same as what I will give to my future husband. And that we (women) are to serve our husbands as if serving God. So, our husbands must love us without condition, and we must obey as if we are obeying the Lord. (Hey - don't get mad at me - I'm just interpreting!).

Let me know what you think. There are, I'm sure, numerous other scriptures in the Bible about marriage. The above scriptures simply represent my favorites. And though I struggle sometimes with the idea of a Godly marriage (especially this whole 'submission' thing), I would truly love to understand what God's original plan was for a husband and wife. All opposing views welcome!

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Marriage

A Good Man is NOT Hard to Find

If you're anything like me, I'm sure you've either heard it, said it, read it or even (momentarily) believed it. Come on, everybody say it with me 'A Good Man Is Hard to Find'.

It has become the watch word of the single woman - explaining why we don't have a man, why we don't want a man, why our last man was bad and why there is little hope that we will ever find another (good) man. Of course, our reasoning goes, it must be that there is something wrong with all men. It couldn't possibly be me. After all, I am perfect (or close to it). I am intelligent, employed, in school, self-sufficient, spiritual, God-fearing, beautiful, affectionate, you-fill-in-the-blanks, and so on and so on. So, if I don't have (want, need, will never meet) a good man, it must be because there are no more good men. Right?

Wrong.

Let me say for the record, loud and clear, I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND.

There - I said it. I feel much better now. Now let me tell you why I think this way.

It's clear from reading the Bible that marriage is the intended state for most men and women. Some of us will be blessed with the gift of single-ness, but, for most of us, marriage is our inevitable fate. So, my first point is this - if God intended for most women to be married, why would He eliminate all the so-called 'good men'? Does that make any sense?

My second point is this - I know there are good men out there because I see them every day. At my church. At my job. On the bus to and from work. At restaurants. In the grocery store. Alone. With their children. In business suits. Sometimes mopping the floors. In the latest Benz. In ratty old beaters. Why don't I think most single women 'see' these good men? Simply because most of them don't fit their notion of what a good man should look like. Along with God-fearing, we want successful - nice car, good-looking, fit, intelligent, articulate and well-groomed. And there's nothing wrong with seeking someone with these attributes (as long as you have them too!). But, you know someone I notice very often? A gentleman that works in my building cleaning up. Yes - I said it - he cleans. Every time I see him, he is quietly, efficiently doing his job. He is dedicated, he is humble, and he is very serious about what he is doing. I don't know his name and I don't know his background, but I am impressed by his dedication.

But how many women take the time to notice the man cleaning the floors in her building? Or who drives an older model car because he is working hard to support his children? Or one who dresses plainly and takes the bus because he is trying to hold down a job and go to school full-time? Be honest - not many.

The other reason I don't think a good man is hard to find is because our definition of 'good' is so darned skewed. We automatically equate it with what we see on the Hallmark or Lifetime cable channels - he will have all the right words, do all the right things, and know exactly how to meet our needs. He will be suave, and debonair and manly, yet sweet. Okay - let's all take a deep breath and just wake up (because, yeah - I want those things too - but I'm learning to accept my 'good' man exactly the way he is)!

Not every man knows the right thing to say. Or the right thing to do. Or can tell you the location of the most trendy restaurant. What you want in a man is one who is sincere - one who says what he means, is consistent and faithful and is genuine in all that he says and does. Those are the 'good' man qualities we should seek and so often overlook (if they are not accompanied by a certain look or level of income).

Okay - enough of my hang-ups. I just want to know - am I the only one who thinks this way? Is it really a lot harder than I believe to meet a good man? If I'm wrong, please let me know....

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Dating, Single

Do Black People Still Get Married?

In a much read and discussed article, Joy Jones posed the premise (in the Washington Post) 'Marriage Is For White People'. This article goes on to highlight the declining rate of black marriages and black families that are headed by two-parents. Ms. Jones goes on to accurately point out how black women's choices are changing in the marriage landscape. That marriage is a goal when black women are in their early 20's and 30's, but as they financially prosper and build networks to support their single lifetsyles, they more readily begin to accept the idea of being a single parent. Here is a quote from her article:

Most single black women over the age of 30 whom I know would not mind getting married, but acknowledge that the kind of man and the quality of marriage they would like to have may not be likely, and they are not desperate enough to simply accept any situation just to have a man.

I completely agree with Ms. Joy's article. I realized that my mindset had changed in the last couple of years (I'm in my early 30's) from the idea of having a husband and children to one day having children. I found myself looking at adoption statistics, contemplating sperm banks and re-thinking my plans as a single person to include parenthood.

As a black woman and as a Christian, I have to say I think we have gotten way, way off base. Sure, it's hard to date and find a 'good man' these days, but they still exist. And though we are perfectly capable of raising a child ourselves, why should we if we don't have to? And I'm not talking about those who want to be married, but are not due to circumstances that have prevented it. I'm squarely focusing on those among us who have decided that men are not essential in the equation of our lives. Yes, I believe we can live 'happily ever after' by ourselves, but what does that mean for our society, our children, our neighborhoods and our legacy? Aren't the ideal circumstances upon which to raise children and build a nation founded on the idea of a two-parent family? Why would God espouse the sanctity of marriage if that state didn't represent His highest idea of a perfect union?

What do you think?

Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Marriage

Is the Maternal Instinct Real?

I was trolling the internet when I ran across this article about the maternal instinct:

LookSmart's FindArticles - Mother's Day: maternal instinct may be a myth. But this mother's son still sees something special in motherly love

Psychology Today, May, 1988, by Paul Chance

Now, I find the idea of whether or not women really have an innate maternal instinct really, really fascinating - mainly beecause I don't have kids. And, as a single, child-less person, I know for a fact that the thought of staying home and raising children full-time (with all the attendant diaper duty, early morning wake-ups, feedings, nurturing, rearing, cooking and cleaning) sends shivers of horror down my spine. And I know I'm not alone.

Sure, I get all dewy-eyed when I see a mom and dad with their cute kids (especially if they have a whole brood and they are all just so adorable), and, occassionally I fantasize about what my own children will be like - athletic, strong-willed, angelic :) - and then I wake up. I start thinking about how much child care costs and who is going to change these adorable childrens' diapers and how many games I will have to attend and do I really want to start carpooling? And my dream of having children once again gets pushed to the furthest corners of my mind.

So this makes me question whether all that stuff about maternal instinct is real. If I really had it, wouldn't I be rushing out to have children despite all my fears? The article I read insists that the maternal instinct is learned, not innate. This quote sums it up:

Then the Pill happened, and the '60s, and suddenly a lot of women were discovering that sex and reproduction were not inseparable. And just as suddenly there were a lot of women who didn't show much interest in making little ones. So it really does seem that maternal love is not instinctive.

The prevailing opinion among experts now seems to be that motherly behavior is the product of learning. Women have and love children only because they were trained to do so. That was what their mothers were up to when they encouraged them to spend countless hours with Barbie

That, however, seems a bit cold to me, so I'm thinking it must be a combination of the two. That the maternal instinct is both innate and learned. And, even if you don't have it to begin with, you can certainly learn it.

The Bible doesn't really say a whole lot about parenting either. There are admonitions about how children should be raised, but these injunctions are not addressed to one particular parent. And, in Bible stories, I have seen instances of both the mother and father interacting regularly with their children.

So - what do you think? Do you think the maternal instinct is a learned behavior or is innate?


Religion, Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Articles, Parenting,