Friday, April 07, 2006

A Good Man is NOT Hard to Find

If you're anything like me, I'm sure you've either heard it, said it, read it or even (momentarily) believed it. Come on, everybody say it with me 'A Good Man Is Hard to Find'.

It has become the watch word of the single woman - explaining why we don't have a man, why we don't want a man, why our last man was bad and why there is little hope that we will ever find another (good) man. Of course, our reasoning goes, it must be that there is something wrong with all men. It couldn't possibly be me. After all, I am perfect (or close to it). I am intelligent, employed, in school, self-sufficient, spiritual, God-fearing, beautiful, affectionate, you-fill-in-the-blanks, and so on and so on. So, if I don't have (want, need, will never meet) a good man, it must be because there are no more good men. Right?

Wrong.

Let me say for the record, loud and clear, I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND.

There - I said it. I feel much better now. Now let me tell you why I think this way.

It's clear from reading the Bible that marriage is the intended state for most men and women. Some of us will be blessed with the gift of single-ness, but, for most of us, marriage is our inevitable fate. So, my first point is this - if God intended for most women to be married, why would He eliminate all the so-called 'good men'? Does that make any sense?

My second point is this - I know there are good men out there because I see them every day. At my church. At my job. On the bus to and from work. At restaurants. In the grocery store. Alone. With their children. In business suits. Sometimes mopping the floors. In the latest Benz. In ratty old beaters. Why don't I think most single women 'see' these good men? Simply because most of them don't fit their notion of what a good man should look like. Along with God-fearing, we want successful - nice car, good-looking, fit, intelligent, articulate and well-groomed. And there's nothing wrong with seeking someone with these attributes (as long as you have them too!). But, you know someone I notice very often? A gentleman that works in my building cleaning up. Yes - I said it - he cleans. Every time I see him, he is quietly, efficiently doing his job. He is dedicated, he is humble, and he is very serious about what he is doing. I don't know his name and I don't know his background, but I am impressed by his dedication.

But how many women take the time to notice the man cleaning the floors in her building? Or who drives an older model car because he is working hard to support his children? Or one who dresses plainly and takes the bus because he is trying to hold down a job and go to school full-time? Be honest - not many.

The other reason I don't think a good man is hard to find is because our definition of 'good' is so darned skewed. We automatically equate it with what we see on the Hallmark or Lifetime cable channels - he will have all the right words, do all the right things, and know exactly how to meet our needs. He will be suave, and debonair and manly, yet sweet. Okay - let's all take a deep breath and just wake up (because, yeah - I want those things too - but I'm learning to accept my 'good' man exactly the way he is)!

Not every man knows the right thing to say. Or the right thing to do. Or can tell you the location of the most trendy restaurant. What you want in a man is one who is sincere - one who says what he means, is consistent and faithful and is genuine in all that he says and does. Those are the 'good' man qualities we should seek and so often overlook (if they are not accompanied by a certain look or level of income).

Okay - enough of my hang-ups. I just want to know - am I the only one who thinks this way? Is it really a lot harder than I believe to meet a good man? If I'm wrong, please let me know....

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17 comments:

ms mimi the mocha soulchild said...

There are good men out there. I was more optimistic a few years ago, but now, personally, I'm not as hopeful.

That said, I agree that we should be open to our concept of a "good man". I don't think it is based of material wealth, but spiritual wealth. That said, the ones I run into are few and far in between.

That's why I just think I'm better off to let the Lord lead, rather than me discern.

sonya said...

Ms Mimi:

You always come back to a very relevant point - to wait on God. And, girl, I have done it, but, boy is it hard (for me)! I am the kind of person who is much more inclined to run ahead of God and tell him what I want instead of waiting on Him. And he indulges my childishness (to a point), but I have seen far greater work when I allow Him to be who he is.

I run across a lot of 'good' men, which is why I feel compelled to call them out. To all my sisters out there - hold on, because (in God's timing) your Good Man is coming!

Anonymous said...

I just turned 40 years old. I have tried to live my life in a Godly manner. I have prayed and prayed, but here I am single and childless. I am a physician and a part time law school student. There are very few unmarried men out there and they do not want me.

ms mimi the mocha soulchild said...

Anonymous

The Bible says a man whofinds a good wife finds a good thing. You believe in God, trust in him, are a practicing doctor and a potential lawyer? A man would be a fool not to love you. You deserve the best. Keep praying. I will pray for you.

sonya said...

Anonymous:

I would love to learn more about you. What has your dating history been like? Why do you feel like no one wants you? I am definitely praying for you and will pray that God gives you a greater understanding of the issues that are taking place in your life.

Sharonda said...

"A good man is hard to find" if you are looking in all the wrong places. Not only that, but how you perceive yourself and your situation, will affect everything you do. Some base a good man on race, or the money in his pocket. Some base a good man on his employment status, or his ability to show up for work. It has to be more than the above. And it all means nothing without God as the chief engineer. What categorizes someone good for one woman, does not carry to another.

I live in a small city and a lot of the folks have small thinking. I believe my good man will find me even here in Smallville, PA or we will pass in travel. It is a test of our patience to say the least, yet it is reality. I am confident that just as Jesus and John recognized each others spirits in the womb, like spirits (good men for good women) will recognize each other. I also have to acknowledge while I may think I am ready for my "good man" God may have other plans.

To anonymous... I wish you to look deep in your heart and not judge each book on your previous pages. Even at 40 God will do a work if you are open to His timing. It may not be that men do not want you, but they can not handle the spirit of God in you. Or as one "good man" recently told me, he could not handle my complexity. I know the man God has set aside for me will understand me and push me to be all I can. You do not want to settle for less. Just because you are single you are not alone, God will always keep His covenant with us. Keep praying and we all will be praying for you and ourselves as well. You are especially blessed and loved in the Kingdom of God.

Higher said...

Good Post!
Good Men aren't hard to find...you just have to be looking for them in the right or should I say the "unexpected places" On a sidenote the key is to be prepared when you finally find him...seen a lot of people find the good one and then lose them because they weren't ready.

sonya said...

Sharonda and Higher:

I totally agree that a good man is not hard to find if you are looking in the right places. God is looking out for all of us that are single and I just know that he has someone special prepared for each and every one of us. I am happy to have found a 'good' man of my own, but you are totally on point, Higher, about being ready when that man finally comes. I can count on two hands the number of men I've thrown away from immaturity, selfishness and a general head-in-the-clouds syndrome. Thank God that He knows us better than even we do and will provide what we need when we need it and not when we think we need it!

Sharonda - I'm hoping and praying you find your good man right when you are ready to receive him. God has good things planned for all of us and I pray that your blessing is soon coming.

cmb said...

I came across your blog and just stopped..it's what I needed to read. I need to have someone encourage me to not give up hope. I have been married twice, I have three kids..maybe I missed my chance. I don't know. I don't think so. I want so badly to be loved by a man but honestly I'm so afraid to let anyone in. I always pick poorly and want to just let God do His thing, but then I step in and take over...again. Ugh! Thank you for this post. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I have been with the same man for 6+ years now. He has talked about marriage, but I have never received a ring. He is 50 and I am 42. I am tired of waiting on him. It seems like I put more into this relationship than he does. I try to live a Christian life for my daughter and I. I want so much to believe in him, but I am just not feeling it that way any longer.

Egyptthemodel said...

The truth is we are living in the times that the book of 2 Timothy speaks about. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, tucebreakers, false accuser, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, tritors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of god; having a form of goliness, but denying the power there of; from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep inro houses and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
The truth of the matter is men tend to be more shallow than women. I know this first hand because I am also much like the sister who post earlier, who said she was a physician and a part time law student. I am very educated and have earned several college degrees and I am quite attractive. I am a pat time fashion model and single mother of two. I have been in one marriage and one previous relationship, where both of the men were cheaters and domstic abusers. In my first relationship, I stayed with the man believing he was going to marry me and after 4 years and two babies he told me he just wanted to see how far he could get with me. He cheated on me and told me he had no intentions of ever marrying me. He also seemed like a "good man." Then there was my next relationship that turned into a marriage. After 7 years and when I became pregnant with our second child together he cheated on me not one but twice, physically abused me, stole my income tax an abandoned me in my seventh month of pregnancy. He also appeared to be a "good man." He even went to church with me and we were in marriage counseling with our pastor.

The reality is just because someone looks or appears to be "good man" does not make him a "Good God-fearing man," that is what I want in my life. It can be a challenge to wait on God when you are alone and you may get impatient but God is able to come through with the man that he wants for you. When you get impatient get on your knees and pray and read the word of God. Get in a good bible church and join a local singles ministry. Ladies we have to stop giving up our Gods without a commitment. Just think about it. I am going to pray for everyone that have posted to this blog that hew ill send us the right man for our lives and that we will be able to be patient until that happens.

Sonya Triggs-Wharton said...

Dear Anonymous:

Generally, if a man has been with you for over six years, talks about marrying you, but doesn't it means one thing: He's not serious about marrying you. When a man finds something or someone he wants, he goes after it. No matter what his excuses are, six years is long enough for him to make up his mind about whether or not he wants to be with you.

The good news is that it's not about you - it's COMPLETELY about him. It's not because you are not good enough, or you've been foolish to trust him or that you've gone against the will of God. It's about him and his inability to commit.

Don't take it personally, but don't let it delay you from doing what you need to do: GET OUT.

Find yourself and your life again. Move on. And prepare yourself to do the will of God in this and in all things.

And you will be blessed.

Let me know how it turns out!

Sonya

Head Swivel, WHAAAT?! said...

I don't know if there's a shortage of good men or not, but I know that they aren't attracted to me. I'm 46--no husband, no kids, degrees, money, my own house. I've had problems with low self-esteem that maybe I resolve(d) too late in life. I don't have any hope left. I've realized that I've made bad choices even in my platonic friendships with women. I've spent too much time in unbalanced relationships. And now I've been lonely so long...I'm wondering if I just need too much. Maybe I still show up as "Strong Black Woman" when all I am is sad. My relationship with God feels intellectual, loveless.

I tried to do what He wanted me to...for so very long. I think I spent too much time thinking about the "bad things" I would not do---and that this would EARN me the blessing I wanted = a husband. I still believe in God, in his existence, but I wish I didn't most days. And my faith in His willingness to bless me is gone. (Therefore He won't, right?)

Please pray for me.

Godsclay said...

I get in that place too swivel but then i fight back the enemy keeps stealing yr faith and then u have to start all over building it again so it seems like yr not getting anywhere bcause the lord camt move without faith the enemy knows it so he leeps u going in circles be strong and believe always look at me im 33 ive dsting women for 20 years but i took up my cross to follow jesus. Now im tryin to find the woman in me and a man it could alwsys be worst

Anonymous said...

I am a woman in my mid 40's with no husband, children and no prospects. I've come to the conclusion that God, for whatever reason, has decided not to give me biological children. I'm heart broken about this, but know it is out of my hands. I growing through a time of sorrow about this, but one day I know I will come to a point of acceptance about this path that God has chosen for me and about 43% of other black women. I question why, but the answere has not been revealed to me yet.

Lisa guzman said...

I strongly believe as an attractive single women that singleness is a choice as I have analyzed my life as a single women growing up in the church I was never taught how to wait on the Lord and take the necessary action. I literally prayed and waited at home. My analogy of this is we can wait on the Lord in the wrong way. However, once we discover this without regrets we are in a good place to take the steps and pray and ask the Lords guidance for a mature partner. Moreover, having a christian partner doesn't mean life will be perfect we have to be realistic. Everyone has hidden baggage that has to be discussed. Regarding having children, i think this is a wonderful thing but I don't believe God is this mean Ogar who does not want us to any in that's totally false. Children are a gift from God. Never give up! as you seek and prayer you will find. No regrets you know what you have to offer as a young lady or single man now get up! fix your hair, exercise, get healthy, splash some fragrance on and go get him/her! get rid of the mourning! We are to good for that! We are children of the King! Enjoy ! Lisa Guzman

Andrea Jones said...

I am responding to all those who are discouraged - please listen. Hang on to HOPE! When you give up your hope, you have forfeited your joy and the joy of the LORD is your STRENGTH. We must have strength to stand against the discouragement of the enemy. I say this with love. Forget yourself! "All those who cling to their life will lose it, but those who lose their life for MY sake will save it" Jesus tells us this because he loves us and wants our joy to be complete. Lose yourself in God's love and God's work and saving souls and serving the poor and praising and worshiping your God. You will be OVERWHELMED with joy overflowing. "Seek FIRST the Kingdom and His righteousness and ALL THESE THINGS will be added onto you." Give yourself fully to the LORD, trusting Him completely to provide for all your needs: the need to be loved and cared for, the desire for a spouse and a family, for worth and value and just watch! Just watch how He heals you. He will heal you and give you the desires of your heart. Do not listen to those internal voices that tell you that God can't bring you a person to love, who'll love you. That's insulting to a God who even the wind and the waves obey. EVERYTHING is under His authority, especially our lives, and if we are His children, then He withholds no good thing from us. "Now may the GOd of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, that you may OVERFLOW with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Keep your eyes firmly fixed on Him when you are drowning in doubt or despair. He will calm the storm and He will not let you drown. Rejoice, I say it again rejoice!!!!!!!!

I love you all, be encouraged!!! "In this life you will have trials and tribulations but take heart, for I have overcome the world"